Tending to Your Relationships
Written by: Catherine Morril, MDiv, LMFT
Valentine's Day. Are you looking forward to it? Do you need a reminder that it’s this Saturday? Do you tolerate, ignore, or dread the day? Does it tap into longings and grief?
Whatever the case, we’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that your relationships need care and attention. Whether you’re in a romantic partnership, or you’re nurturing friendships, or you’re deepening connections with family members, intentionally caring for these relationships will lead to greater joy and resilience.
Here are four relationship skills intentionally fostered in individual and couples therapy that nurture and strengthen connectedness.
1. Express Yourself, with Kindness
A common frustration in relationships arises when you assume the other should "just know" what you’re thinking or feeling. This expectation sets both parties up for misunderstanding and disappointment. While it may seem obvious that “someone can’t read your mind,” if you’re like most people, you really do wish they would! You want your significant person(s) to intuit your feelings, needs, or concerns. But so often, they can’t.
Instead, you need to find the words to share your thoughts and emotions, even if it feels vulnerable and uncomfortable. For instance, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, instead of expecting another person to notice and adjust, you might say, “I’m really stressed about this situation and could use some extra support today. Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Clear, direct and kind communication builds trust and intimacy.
2. Accept that #1 will Sometimes be Awkward
Emotions and thoughts are complicated, and you may not know exactly what you’re feeling in a given moment. That’s normal! It’s okay to pause and take time to process before continuing a conversation.
If you’re unsure how to respond in a conversation, try saying something like, “I’m not sure how I feel about it yet, but I’d like to reflect on it and circle back.” Giving yourself permission to step back not only helps you avoid saying something you’ll regret, but also shows the other person that you’re committed to thoughtful communication. When you circle back, your response is likely to be more intentional and constructive.
3. Repair Conflicts
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, and how you handle it can make all the difference. One of the most important skills to develop is the capacity to repair after a disagreement. This means acknowledging your part in the conflict and extending an apology when necessary.
Saying, “I’m sorry,” might seem small, but it can have a profound impact. For instance, if you’ve said something hurtful in the heat of an argument, apologizing promptly shows that you value the relationship more than your pride. A sincere apology might sound like, “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier. I was feeling frustrated, but I didn’t mean to take it out on you.” Taking responsibility for your actions fosters mutual respect and makes it easier to move forward together.
Repair —especially for small misses or after you’ve processed a conflict verbally— may include nonverbals such as: small gestures of kindness, a reassuring touch, a thoughtful note, or even a moment of shared laughter to defuse tension. These actions signal that you’re invested in the relationship and committed to its well-being.
Research shows that couples who regularly repair conflicts have higher relationship satisfaction. In fact, a 2022 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who resolved arguments effectively were 75% more likely to describe their relationship as "very happy."
4. Express Gratitude
In the hustle of daily life, it’s easy to take your relationships for granted. However, cultivating and then expressing gratitude is one of the simplest, yet most powerful ways to strengthen your connections. When you take the time to appreciate the positive qualities and efforts of the people in your life, and then share with them your appreciation, you create a culture of encouragement and warmth.
It can be as simple as, “I appreciate you,” or “Thank you for being there for me when...” These small expressions can have a big impact, reminding your partner or friend that they are valued and loved. You might even start sharing one thing you’re grateful for each day or week to cultivate a focus on the good in your relationship.
So, this Valentine’s Day…
Tending to your relationships takes intention and effort, but the rewards are worth it. By sharing your thoughts and feelings, giving yourself space to process, repairing conflicts, and expressing gratitude, you can create deeper, more meaningful connections with the people who matter most to you.
This Valentine’s Day, let the reminders to celebrate love be an invitation to take an intentional, small step toward nurturing a relationship. After all, a well-tended relationship is one that will continue to bloom, not just on a special occasion, but through the years.
The above invitations are simple, but not easy. And sometimes these practices are not possible in a given relationship. A partner, friend or family member may not be emotionally available or safe enough to take these vulnerable risks to nurture the relationship. Your own or their past patterns, hurt and/or trauma can also make it difficult to develop meaningful relationships. If you find yourself in a stuck or difficult relationship, and you want support, individual therapy or couples therapy can help. Please email us or press the button below and we’ll help you connect with a therapist.
