What are You Fighting For? Getting to the Heart of a Conflict
Sarah and James find themselves in a heated argument after a trip. Sarah is frustrated that James spent more than they had budgeted. James feels unappreciated for the extras he added to make the vacation more memorable. Sarah raises her voice, calling James irresponsible, while James withdraws. She thinks he’s careless. He thinks she’s controlling. Underneath, Sarah feels anxious about financial security. James feels unappreciated for his efforts. Sarah grew up in a financially unstable home, and wants stability more than extravagence. James was raised to equate generosity with love, so this kind of spending feels like an expression of love for the family.
Recognizing the various layers underneath a conflict isn’t easy. But when Sarah and James were able to understand the deeper layers of each of their stories, they could shift from reactivity to responsiveness. They could move from blame to understanding, from fear to appreciating each other’s needs, and from self-preservation to empathy.
Conflict doesn’t have to divide—by exploring the emotions beneath our reactions, we can create deeper connection, empathy, and intimacy.
For sure in a romantic relationship, but also in other significant relationships, conflict is inevitable. Yet, how we navigate disagreements can determine whether they drive a wedge between us, or deepen our emotional connection. Many couples, even when they attempt to repair after a fight, only address the surface-level issues. A simple exchange of apologies—“I’m sorry I yelled,” or “I’m sorry I got so angry”—may smooth things over temporarily, but it fails to address the deeper emotions and needs that fuel repeated conflicts. True healing and connection come from understanding the deeper needs within each person.
Here’s how to break down the experience, layer by layer, to reach the core emotions and needs that drive repeated discord. Think of the proverbial layers of an onion.
The Outer Layers of the Conflict
Destructive Behavior
At the surface level, conflicts usually manifest in behaviors that can be hurtful or damaging. This includes name-calling, yelling, withdrawing, sulking, or even engaging in self-destructive actions such as excessive drinking. These behaviors are often instinctive responses but they obscure the true feelings underneath. Recognizing your own destructive behaviors is the first step toward more mindful conflict resolution.
Secondary Emotions
The next layer involves our immediate emotional responses to the conflict. These are often intense emotions such as anger, jealousy, embarrassment, or sadness. These “secondary emotions” act as a protective shield, masking our deeper vulnerabilities. For example, anger is often a reaction to feeling hurt or insecure, but unless we look beyond the surface, we may never understand what really caused the anger.
Usually we stop short of discovering the deeper layers that can be truly productive, helping us understand what we’re actually fighting about.
Judgments of the Other
Beneath the behaviors and hot feelings lie the judgments we have about our partner. In moments of frustration, it’s easy to label them as controlling, selfish, insensitive, or needy. These judgments are a defensive protection, helping us feel justified in our assessment, but preventing us from seeing deeper reasons behind their actions. Instead of assuming the worst about their character, we can ask ourselves: What is my partner really feeling? What might be causing them to react this way?
The Deeper Layers of a Conflict
Primary Emotions
Primary emotions are the deeper, more vulnerable feelings that lie beneath our initial reactions and secondary feelings. These emotions—fear, shame, sadness, disappointment— are harder to identify, let alone express, because they make us feel vulnerable. But acknowledging them can foster connection. Instead of saying, “I was so angry you were late,” try including the primary emotion too, “I was sad because I didn’t feel like a priority.” This shift in communication can lead to more meaningful conversations and repair.
Attachment Needs
At the heart of most conflicts are unmet emotional needs. These are the fundamental attachment needs that drive our behaviors—our longing to feel safe, secure, valued, appreciated, seen, understood, etc. When these needs are not met, we react in ways that can push our partners away instead of drawing them closer. Recognizing and communicating these needs can transform the way we relate to one another. Circling back to Sarah and James, Sarah wanted to feel that James understood her need for faithfulness to a budget and how that fosters her sense of security. James wanted to be appreciated, not only criticized, for his caring gestures.
Historic Roots
Finally, our reactions in conflict are often influenced by past experiences. Our family of origin, previous relationships, and formative experiences shape our emotional responses. If we grew up in an environment where our emotions were dismissed, we might struggle to express our needs in a relationship. As was true for Sarah and James, understanding the historical roots of our needs helps us recognize patterns and break cycles that no longer serve us.
Moving Forward: Transforming Conflict into Connection
Conflict doesn’t have to be a source of pain and division. When we take the time to explore the layers beneath our reactions, we create opportunities for deeper understanding and connection. The next time a disagreement arises, try shifting the conversation from blame and defensiveness to curiosity and vulnerability. Ask yourself: What am I really feeling? What do I truly need? What might my partner be experiencing beneath their reaction? Chances are, you’re both experiencing important but clashing needs.
By engaging in this deeper work, we can move beyond surface-level apologies and create a relationship built on self-awareness, empathy, and lasting intimacy.
If you would like more support in your relationships, visit our team page to contact a therapist or email us at connect@soulrestorationproject.org.
